An unsober perspective: Courtside

The curious case of the court

Alright folks, time for some basketball. The good old game played on the hardwood. And... hey editor? Yea? Could you look over there for a second? Alright, sure... Look, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know the first thing about basketball. What? I said look, over there. Someone abusing the Oxford comma!

Sure I know about traveling and fouls, but what’s a triple-double? And why does that little arrow keep turning? And when am I supposed to stand up on the court and clap like Drake?

Regards from the North Pole

I failed to see Santa Ono at Courtside as he gave up the ceremonial tip-off rights to the local BC MLA which was … exciting for local politics fans I guess? But I missed that aspect of seeing Santa bring us all together through the world of sport.

Santa should have rolled up, sleeves cut, long shorts, bowtie still on, Michael Jordan’s fresh, ready to play. He should have called for the rock and taken ceremonial pictures dunking on the team captains — I’m talking full on posterization. Anyone has a problem? Dunked. Janitors want to clean the floor? Dunked. UBC’s new funding will come solely from one man’s dunking prowess.

Tiny dunks of broken dreams

Shoutout to the thing that kept me up at night as the halftime mini-dunk contest featured a series of dunks that had zero balls go into zero nets. Every single attempt rang off the rim as the contestants then also broke the rim of the mini-net. Big ups for trying to compete in front of the home crowd, but I am taking them all back for not having any actual dunks.

Space Jam was a really good movie

You know, I think the only complete basketball game I’ve ever watched was Space Jam. So here’s the description of both games using the 1996 classic, Space Jam:

Women’s game

Imagine Space Jam but instead of Michael Jordan getting a comically long last-second slam dunk to win, the Monstars won because sometimes happy endings aren’t real. And, looking back on it, you say, “Yeah, maybe if our defence was a little tighter in the second quarter we wouldn’t have dug such a hole for ourselves.” Sometimes the Monstars just win. But that’s okay, because you know the Monstars had to take a ferry back to Victoria and the soft-serve machine was probably broken.

Men’s game

Imagine Space Jam, but instead Michael Jordan showed up and played like Michael Jordan: a one man superstar, capable of easily creaming some sorry aliens who just stole basketball powers from people who were still less good than Michael-freaking-Jordan. I don’t care how many Larry Johnsons you cram into nine-foot tall aliens, the dude’s still getting dunked on by Jordan. The game was a blowout, and so was this one.