Blacking out at Black Out: T-Birds new jerseys from an unsober perspective

UBC’s Black Out game last Friday had nothing to do with substance-induced memory loss. It was, instead, the unveiling of the football team’s first ever alternate jersey.

This wasn’t the first time the fog of alcoholism caused me to misinterpret an innocuous sign at school, but I’m sure I wasn’t the only one this time. Ultimately, it was not worth my time replacing the ink in some of my pens with viscous, blue liquor in order to sneak past security, but hindsight is always 20/20.

As I watched the 'Birds descending the hill behind the end-zone, I recognized the familiar uniforms they were wearing and waited impatiently to see the first glimpse of the brand new attire. For such a monumental unveiling, it was only fitting that the team would reveal their dramatically new and different black uniforms by tearing their old ones off like a late '90s rec-league basketball player’s tear-away pants.

As the team triumphantly took to the field, I was exhilarated. I was trembling. I was sweating. My vision was blurring. The suspense of seeing these new jerseys was driving me crazy — or perhaps it was the fact that I had mixed up my flask pens with my regular ones and drank them all to be sure. Who knows.

It was of course the case that the 'Birds were already wearing the new jerseys when they took the field — I just couldn’t notice a difference. Perhaps it was because the sun setting behind the trees opposite the stadium’s seating was literally blinding me, but the jerseys seemed basically unchanged. They had the same design, same golden numbers and nearly the same colour fabric from a distance.

What is black if not just dark, dark, dark blue?

Upon closer inspection, the jerseys themselves were terrific. Sleek, sexy, short-sleeved, numbers on the front and back, and it even appeared to me like they came in small, medium and large — truly the next evolutionary step in Thunderbirds football couture.

I appreciate the desire to implement an exciting new jersey. As a long-time fan, I was titillated. Even so, I couldn’t help but feel that the Thunderbirds were pulling the polyester over my eyes. I’m no ornithology major, but even I know that thunderbirds are royal blue and gold, not black.

I challenge anyone involved with the design of this new jersey to bring me a picture of a black thunderbird — it just isn’t going to happen.