Will my life ever feel like it’s moving again? Will we ever find out what on Earth they are constructing around Martha Piper? Will they ever finish? Who even is ‘they?’ Is Tim’s open? My god, I am freezing.
The Dingbat
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. We focus on publishing satirical articles relevant to the UBC student’s academic and social experience. If you would like to prove that you're as funny as your friends say you are, put your money where your typing fingers are and submit completed pieces or pitches to blog@ubyssey.ca
The year is 2025.
“Of course, assigning the students less work is simply out of the question,” the group continued, “which means our only recourse is to extend the solar day by one hour.”
At the Ares Project, we use state-of-the-art computer algorithms and the most up-to-date psychology research to match you with your nemesis.
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Will my life ever feel like it’s moving again? Will we ever find out what on Earth they are constructing around Martha Piper? Will they ever finish? Who even is ‘they?’ Is Tim’s open? My god, I am freezing.
The year is 2025.
“Of course, assigning the students less work is simply out of the question,” the group continued, “which means our only recourse is to extend the solar day by one hour.”
At the Ares Project, we use state-of-the-art computer algorithms and the most up-to-date psychology research to match you with your nemesis.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout all of this, it’s how great capitalism and the free market are. No questions here!
Does anybody truly believe that we’re accelerating the most particles as fast as we possibly can?
Not many students can say that they’re best friends with the president and vice-chancellor (only his best friend would know that he’s the vice-chancellor) of their university.
She has stayed inside with her windows shut and 25 air purifiers “absolutely blasting” for 38 days straight.
I had to learn how to make coffee (extremely difficult) and learn how to make my own breakfast sandwiches (I almost burned down my dorm).
I can’t say it’s been all ‘early admission’ and ‘Dean’s List’ for us, but it’s certainly been good for my career prospects.
“I hardly talk to anyone. How the hell was I supposed to know this wasn’t a thing?"
According to a statement issued by the student association, iClicker-acers— students who know the answer to every iClicker question— launched their first phase of strike action to protest against “iClicker-cheaters.”
I’ve got some outstanding debts with people you don’t want to know, let alone owe, so there’s a bit of a time crunch for you guys to elect me.
I recoiled and — looking around me — carefully placed the container in the compost bin. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of UBC’s sustainability enforcers whisper something into his lapel.
“I thought it was a little weird that drivers were just chillin’ in hoodies instead of their uniforms,” said McCormick. “I figured it was just casual Friday — but, like, every day.”
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