The Dingbat

Does anybody truly believe that we’re accelerating the most particles as fast as we possibly can?

Not many students can say that they’re best friends with the president and vice-chancellor (only his best friend would know that he’s the vice-chancellor) of their university.

She has stayed inside with her windows shut and 25 air purifiers “absolutely blasting” for 38 days straight.

I had to learn how to make coffee (extremely difficult) and learn how to make my own breakfast sandwiches (I almost burned down my dorm).

I can’t say it’s been all ‘early admission’ and ‘Dean’s List’ for us, but it’s certainly been good for my career prospects.

“I hardly talk to anyone. How the hell was I supposed to know this wasn’t a thing?"

According to a statement issued by the student association, iClicker-acers— students who know the answer to every iClicker question— launched their first phase of strike action to protest against “iClicker-cheaters.”

I’ve got some outstanding debts with people you don’t want to know, let alone owe, so there’s a bit of a time crunch for you guys to elect me.

I recoiled and — looking around me — carefully placed the container in the compost bin. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of UBC’s sustainability enforcers whisper something into his lapel.

“I thought it was a little weird that drivers were just chillin’ in hoodies instead of their uniforms,” said McCormick. “I figured it was just casual Friday — but, like, every day.”

They call him the… the Bell Man. At 10 p.m. every night in Koerner he comes, ringing his demonic bell, and when he catches you, he–” The student’s voice broke off in a sob.

In the English language debate, when Yves-François Blanchet said that his party will “stand up for Quebecers and only Quebecers,” a presumably non-zero amount of Vancouverites resonated with the leader’s statement.

The days of an unbridled childhood summers are gone. But, it’s not all for nothing because if you do this job really good, you might be able to get another job you hate next summer, ruining your summer again.

I believe we made eye contact on Main Mall/in Mercante/mid-lecture/on the steps in the Nest two seconds/hours/days/weeks/months/years ago. Do you remember?

9:15 p.m.: I think of the faces of SFU students. We’re taught to remove the humanity from them, you know, because we want to destroy them with a laser.