There is no news left on campus

In a turn of events, no events have turned. The Almonds Matter Society is no longer a cesspool of buzzwords and bad decisions. When it comes to student’s mental health and wellbeing, UBC decided to give one shit. The Unrestricted Discourse Collective finally shut up. Faculty have stopped complaining about their rights, or whatever.

No one has an opinion on fall reading break. No one.

The broken souls that make up our news team did their best to track down any remaining stories on campus, but it turns out we wrote everything that could possibly be written. One of our news editors wrote 3,000 words about a statue, for God’s sake.

As a longstanding institution built on a foundation of journalistic integrity, we employed our most tried-and-true news-gathering tactics — we went over to r/UBC to see what shit we could steal.

Alas, nothing.

Bleary-eyed and pasty-faced news writers were seen stumbling out of the Who?byssey office after hearing the news that there is no news. Distinguishable by their hollow stares and coffee breath, they must find a new outlet to feed their egotism.

“What am I going to do now that I can’t share my articles on Facebook in search of the validation I crave?” said one writer, who did not give her name because she could not remember it.

To all seven of our loyal readers, this is goodbye. The news section is now shuttered and its editors have been cast back into the hell pit from whence they came.