It is the last week of fall, and campus is buzzing with first-years all meeting each other for the first time.
Name? Faculty? Major? Residence?
None of my friends from high school came to UBC with me, so for the first time in years I had to branch out all by myself. How hard could it be? Looking around at many people already walking in big groups, I felt assured that it wouldn’t be long before I was just like them. Everyone I met, I thought this is it! This person here is my new best friend. But.
The first time it happened, I did not let myself get too bothered by it. After all, it was more of a schedule-conflict kind of deal, nothing personal. It was okay. I had another person I had my eye on anyway. I did homework with her and her friends, and I was convinced the answer was to force myself into their friend group, laugh at whatever they were laughing at and continue to do so despite the fact nobody ever texted me first. This went on for weeks until autumn finally arrived.
But then it happened again on a random afternoon. It just clicked, I realized that I was not part of this group. It was too late. I spoke and they all ignored me.
I turned my heel and went to my room alone. I never talked to them again.
This time, it shook me up a little bit more. I was frustrated with myself. I wasted so much time and energy trying to insert myself in that group. And I was confused. Why didn’t it work? I did everything right. I took time out of my day to see them, I brought them gifts, I laughed at their jokes, I texted them first. And time was running out.
It was October, and I had not succeeded in making a friend yet. But it was okay because I had another person I had my eye on anyway.
I approached her after class and we began having lunch every week. It was fun, albeit a little awkward sometimes. I told her I was really eager to find new friends and to my delight, she told me she was too. We planned a Halloween party, and I was so excited because I was going to get to meet a whole bunch of new people with this new friend I made. And who knew? After tonight, I was probably going to be part of a friend group at last. But.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and I was still alone. When we had been chatting all those times after class, I had been led to think that she was just as lonely as me. I swear she had said she didn’t have a friend group yet. But she did. It was so clear to me, watching her talking so comfortably to every other person there, hugging and laughing and sharing inside jokes. The stubborn, desperate part of me forced me to stay, just a little longer, because hey, I have to try to make some more of an effort right? Friends are hard to make. If it doesn’t come easily at first, you just have to put in a little more time and effort and desperation. I have to force her to like me. I have to force them to want me in their group. Right?
She never texted me first. Ever.
For the first time in years, I was constantly sad (I had never listened to that much Mitski in my life). I felt so utterly pathetic, like a little kid begging for attention. Even after weeks of receiving no invitations to hang out and never getting texted first, I persisted. I felt so disgusting and desperate and like such a nuisance, but I still kept it up. I had not given up hope yet. Winter was approaching, and I still had no one.
Fast forward: December break came and went, and I was finally forced to stop the desperation, but coming back to the second term wasn’t easy. I felt like a new person though, more cynical, less naive. I had given up and made a difficult peace with the fact I was just not gonna have friends in my first year.
Spring arrived. And slowly, it stopped being difficult. I broke free from the gloom along with Mother Earth, the both of us waking up from a cold and difficult winter. The sun was shining again and the cherry trees on Lower Mall were beginning to push out their blossoms and I looked around, and I had friends.
I found the girls my soul had been searching for towards the end of the second semester when I was not even searching for them. The universe put them in my path, and just like that, I felt at home. I felt loved. We listen to the same music, we laugh at the same jokes. They text me first. They reciprocate my presents. We hug and dance and share secrets and I have never felt more loved by a group of friends than I do with them now.
The universe does things for a reason. I had the worst months ever because I stubbornly tried to fight it. Don’t fight the universe! Friends will appear when they need to. And they won’t when they don’t.
It will be when you least expect it.