As a UBC local, “The Nest” has been my go-to haunt for the past six years I’ve spent studying small, useless animals as a biology major.

The little known 250,000 square foot building in the centre of campus had gone largely unnoticed, with most in the campus community overlooking the hidden gem in favour of “good” and “not overpriced, shit food” at International Grimace or along Main Mall.

I used to be able to hit four or five places every afternoon, easy — first, downstairs to The Smelly for soup, then, also downstairs, to Grand Strudel Emporium for more soup, then walk past Dude Lab (downstairs) to the elevator, past the elevator to Dupe Market for a grilled cheese sandwich — fuck Dupe Market soup — and then top all off with another soup from The Smelly (still downstairs).

It was perfect.

But after niche micro-celebrity and ketchup influencer Brad Bile shouted-out The Nest on his Finsta story, lines to get into The Nest have stretched around the block, over the Stomp the Wall wall and through IKB.

Before, I could go to places like Dishonour Roll secure in the knowledge that virtually no one else would eat there. It was like I was in an exclusive club, of people who had been food-poisoned by mid sushi.

Now everyone’s getting food-poisoned, and they’re lining up for it too.

I talked to other campus foodies to see how they’re coping.

Second year philosophy student and guy who won’t shut up about K. Lenji Mopez Nalt, Spam Sit-On, complained about how a now-popular Nest would affect his “pulling.”

“Before Bile, I was pulling left and right just telling these chicks I would take them to a place called ‘Dude Lab.’ Like, dude, I was pulling,” said Sit-On, bawling as we climbed up and down the Nest staircase.

“Now I can’t say ‘you’ve probably never heard of it,’ ‘cause they probably have,” said Sit-On before vomiting.

Fourth-year tuba major and self-proclaimed loud guy Alex DeLamey said they feel the prestige is gone.

“Have you seen The Prestige? Dude, it still holds up today. You’ve gotta watch it” said DeLamey. “It’s magic and shit, and there are twins. And that one guy is in it. You know, the one from that movie with the business cards. You know what I mean.”

DeLamey then tried to high-five me. He was unsuccessful.

“Fuck Bile and his ketchup sponsorship,” DeLamey said.

Bile, who agreed to a virtual interview but then showed up in person (ok, power move) said he doesn’t feel any remorse for “blowing up” my spot.

“It’s still there, now it’s just way harder for you to eat there,” he said.

When confronted about his relationship with Big Ketchup, Bile was evasive.

“It’s not that serious, man. Here, have a packet,” Bile said.

He then perfectly tore off the corner of a ketchup packet and squirted it all over my face.

“Got your ass,” Bile laughed. “Hey, you’re a journalist. Do you know anyone at Meinz? I’m trying to step up from these Fronks fuckers who aren’t serious about the sauce game.”

I know that by writing this article, I risk bringing more attention to The Nest, now already overrun by even smaller nano-celebrities and their associated sponsorships. But someone has to put a stop to this.

“I just think we deserve rights,” said Sit-On. “Like, get your mid lunch somewhere else.”