Ricardo

(homeowner, raccoon)

My name is Ricardo The Raccoon, and I am proud to call myself a homeowner at the young age of 19. Yeah, I live in the bushes at Totem Park. It’s a good home with stunning views of the vibrant hub of first-years losing their shit about running out of Flex Dollars.

Breakfast

Every day is a cheat day when you never have to pay for food! Sure, I’m cheating the Vancouver waste management system out of some tasty compost, but the best thing about being a raccoon is never facing consequences. I usually start my days raiding the Totem Park dumpsters for students’ drunken midnight snacks. These little shits piss their pants about having no money all day, then order practically anything on Slip the Fishes after a couple of White Flaws.

I really scored the other day with a full lobster bisque. I know it’s not really a “breakfast food,” but who’s gonna pass on free lobster? So what if there’s “a bite taken from it” and it’s “covered in trash juice.”

What? Are you too good to eat garbage?

Brunch

A mid-morning snack is always a must for me. The “three meals a day” type of living is for poor idiot babies who “pay rent” and “buy groceries.” Instead, I pop out in front of a student and scare them into dropping their artisanal cruffin or brookie.

I go for the students who have a coffee in hand, but man, it’s a disappointment when it’s that plain black sludge. Like, congratulations! You can tolerate the taste of black tar, you pretentious loser.

Lunch

At lunch time, I hit east campus for a more diverse, luxury culinary fusion-type meal. The Nest is where you’ll find some amazing, almost Michelin star (Michelin stars in their mom’s hearts) cooks to steal from.

Yesterday, I snagged seared scallops and Peking duck coated with bacon fat and truffle oil. To the unsophisticated eye, this dish may have looked suspiciously like a day-old incredibly mid Dude Lab sandwich, but I assure you nobody knows fine dining like Ricardo. I even had enough for leftovers and no pesky roommates who’d steal them like those pathetic kids in their four-bed one-kitchen shitholes.

Dinner

I’ve actually been trying my hand at cooking. I found this snail habitat, and with just a pinch of salt and some hot pavement, I’m cooking up delectable escargot. And that’s just the appy — for my main, you know I’m stalking RubberMeats drivers, waiting for them to take a picture to confirm their dropoff. Here’s where I get crafty — I take the food for myself before the students can come collect it.

It’s not that I need to steal their food — I do pretty fine for myself — I just like to watch students turn on each other. It’s one of my favourite pastimes. Call it dinner with a show.

Benji

(RA, poor)

My name is Benji and I’m a second-year RA at Totem Park. I didn’t really want to live in first year dorms again, but the money is good, or, well, it’s money and I need that so I don’t, like, die.

Breakfast

I skip breakfast. Coffee keeps me full enough and breakfast is a luxury I can’t afford. $6 for a muffin? That’s money I could be donating to real causes, like giving Jason Nash money on ClikClok. If I’m really feeling hungry, I’ll eat a quarter of a banana, but I try to avoid doing it too often.

Sometimes, I dissociate and wake up eating the corner of my notebook, but I’m running out of those. (Note: Benji broke into hysterical laughter, before taking an imperceptibly small bite out of an almond to “stabilize his blood sugar.”)

Lunch

About a month ago, I bought a pack of buns and wieners. I was able to make eight of them, but then I ran out of buns and was left with just two weiners. Why would you sell ten wieners for every eight buns?

Anyway, I boiled and sliced one of them for lunch today. Unfortunately, I lent my one pot to a friend, so I had to boil it in my electric kettle.

I grabbed a handful of to-go ketchup packets from Quadruple O’s the other day, so I squeezed out the little plastic packets of heaven onto the damp, glistening weiner and I was good to go. Although, tomorrow’s coffee might have some lingering eau de weiner if you know what I mean.

Dinner

Since I’m on a low snack (no snack) budget, it’s dinner, I guess. Instant ramen is where it’s at. But, like, fancy ramen. I break off a couple noodles before boiling it and top the cooked ramen with them — gives the dish a real je ne sais quoi.

The quoi in this case is uncooked noodles.

If I’m really tired, I’ll order from RubberMeats, but the funniest thing keeps happening: I’ll see the confirmation picture from the driver, but by the time I get there, it’s gone. I’m pretty sure it’s this girl on the fourth floor who keeps stealing my food, but I’m not completely sure. She keeps saying it’s a “raccoon,” but I know it’s her.

If you’re reading this, Cassandra, just know I’m coming for you. Ooh Cassandra, when I catch you Cassandra, just you wait Cassandra. You think you’re slick? When I catch you, it’s go mode. I’m running on a quarter of a banana and some paper scraps, bitch. I see red and bodies will hit the floor (but quietly if it’s after 10 p.m. — I have a job to keep).