How do you serve up a breakfast that will keep her coming back? To be completely honest, I think we all know that regardless of what I make for breakfast, they always come back. I’m B. Ball, and I’m here for all my short kings in need of inspiration. Dribble in and join me for a day in my life (cooking edition).
I start my day at the ripe hour of 6 a.m., with a stretch and overwhelmingly deep and contemplative thoughts on how periods are real. Ladies, I would wish it away if I could.
B. BALL’S SIGNATURE RISE-AND-GRIND BREAKFAST OF (WOMEN’S RIGHTS) CHAMPIONS
Ingredients
| 1 | cup shortening |
| 5/7 | tsp. flour |
| 4 | eggs |
| 2 | spoons cottage cheese |
| 1 | extra large carton of eggs (all 24) |
| 1 | spoon pesto |
| 1 | avocado |
Preparation
Step 1
Start with a couple spoons of cottage cheese. Then, take a carton of extra-large eggs and scramble those lil’ tarts.
Step 2
If I’m feeling fancy, I add a lil’ pesto and avocado. That’ll keep me full for a good hour or two — it’s hard being seven feet tall (when I feel like it).
B. BALL’S CHEEKY CHICKEN AND HUMMUS
Next, I bus to UBC and practice some basketball. After draining 16 consistent half-court shots and making ClikCloks with my bro — my ride or die — Chadam Ballsen, of course I get hungry again.
Let me introduce you to the love of my life. She is what dreams are made of. Things I love in this life: basketball, feminism, Chadam, my mom and this gorgeous hummus and rotisserie chicken combo. This may be a little underground and weird, but I need you to go to the grocery store and grab three things right now.
Ingredients
| 1 | truffle hummus |
| 1 | pita |
| 1 | whole rotisserie chicken |
Preparation
Step 1
Okay, this is about to get wild, but trust me, baby, I’ll talk you through it. I eat the rotisserie chicken, take her apart with my fingers piece by piece. Every couple of pieces I dip my pita bread in the truffle hummus. It’s heaven in my mouth. I normally eat the whole rotisserie chicken, trying to intake as much protein as I can each day. You know how it is. But after that divine snack, I’m unfortunately still hungry. I find myself in front of this place called Flunkin’ Cronuts. I feel it call to me — did I mention I’m a seven-foot-tall basketball player (feminist) (humble)? I think this will be like a cool, healthy place for basketballers like me, but then I see the calories on her, and damn… So I skip that and go to the weight room instead. On the way, I’m stopped by a couple of girls and since I respect them too much to say no, I sign a couple autographs and get a couple numbers. I’m quite the campus celebrity; Segway Tom is my biggest competition, he almost gets as many girls as me. Almost.
B. BALL’S HIT-THAT (PR) PROTEIN SHAKE
Ingredients
| 1 | banana |
| 1 | kale |
| 1 | spinach |
| 1 | broccoli |
| 1 | raw egg |
| 1 | whole carton of milk |
| 1 | peanut butter |
| 1 | protein powder |
Preparation
Step 1
Take a banana, smash her, then move on to the next.
Step 2
Add kale, spinach, protein powder, broccoli, raw eggs, a whole carton of milk and peanut butter.
Step 3
Blend. I make enough for, like, three liters, I know, not nearly enough, but don’t worry. After my workout, I stop at Ice JJ Bream to grab a cranberry muffin. I actually got it for free today — the cashier was feeling kind, I suppose. Even left her number.
B. BALL’S THICK THIGHS SAVE LIVES STIR-FRY CHICKEN
Ingredients
| 6 | chicken thighs |
| 4 | cups broccoli |
| 1 | cup rice |
| 0 | seasoning |
Preparation
Step 1
Toss it in a pan, let it get steamy. You know what it do, baby girl.
Finally, I had rotisserie chicken and truffle hummus for a lil’ dessert. I made some more ClikCloks, snapped a couple of girls (streaks don’t keep themselves) and went to bed (without you, I know — don’t worry, there’s always tomorrow night). Life is good.
I am especially thankful to my blonde fans. I love you, ladies.
Yours,
Bill Ballace