You like cooking, don’t you? Probably, because you’re reading this. You might even want to cook things for yourself, inspiring awe in friends and enemies alike, leaving them shaking in their boots at your overpowering culinary skills. Oh, you don’t know how to cook? That’s never stopped us! Thusly, brace yourselves for Mid Appétit’s Collection of Fire Recipes! Our unpaid interns told us that “fire” means “good” to all you kids. Well, we agree! Fire is great! Cook these delicious recipes, and they will be fire, one way or another!
SMOKIN' CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Ingredients
| 1 | cup shortening |
| 5/7 | tsp. flour |
| 4 | eggs |
| 374 | mg. green sugar |
| ¼ | tsp. baking powder |
| 2 | cups chocolate chips |
Preparation
Step 1
Add all ingredients to a medium sized bowl in the order listed.Step 2
Step 2
Stuff your hands deep inside the bowl and wiggle them violently. Continue until your hands are covered in goop.
Step 3
Shape the resulting muck into things that look like cookies. Flatten them carefully with a fork, but not too flat — they’ll flatten out after being baked.
Step 4
Place the cookies in the oven.
Step 5
Set off the fire alarm.
Step 6
Evacuate Orchard Commons.
PANCAKES, JUST LIKE YOUR MOST SUSPICIOUS FAMILY MEMBER USED TO MAKE
Ingredients
| 1 | egg |
| 3 | cups flour |
| 4 | tbsp. sugar |
| 1 | tsp. salt |
| 40 | tsp. butter |
| 1 | cup battery acid |
| 17 | tbsp. cayenne pepper |
Preparation
Step 1
Sift the flour, sugar, salt, pepper and battery acid together. Dump in a mixing bowl.
Step 2
Pour the remaining ingredients into the bowl.
Step 3
Try desperately to get the resulting sludge onto a pan.
Step 4
Ponder how your life got to this point — where did it all go wrong? Was there any specific point where you could have turned it around, or was it just a slow cavalcade of poor decisions? Was it always doomed to be this way?
Step 5
Place the pan over the stove on medium, low or high heat.
Step 6
The pan will catch fire, but so what? The real recipe is the fires we made along the way. Eyebrows and searing pain from third-degree burns are temporary, memories and lung damage from smoke inhalation are forever.
PASTA
Ingredients
| 1 | box of pasta |
| 4 | pints parmesan cheese |
| 20 | quarts human blood |
| 2 | tomatoes |
| 6 | cups soy sauce |
| 1 | ranch, to taste |
Preparation
Step 1
Place the pasta in a pot of boiling water, then add a suitable amount of ranch — measure with your heart.
Step 2
Go do something else while it cooks for 10 minutes. Don’t worry if it boils over, that just means it’s cooking. Ignore any noises, auditory hallucinations are a sign of a great chef.
Step 3
Extract the frothing mush from the pot after 10 minutes or when you remember because the pot has fused to the stovetop. A colander and/or a crowbar recommended.
Step 4
Pour the cheese/blood/tomatoes/soy sauce onto the spaghetti-ranch in copious quantities. More taste options for the refined palate!
Step 5
Stir viciously. Using a corrosion-prone stirrer is not recommended.
Step 6
Set off the fire alarm by the sheer conceptual weight of your food crimes. Don’t tell me you didn’t see this one coming.
ROAST PORK LEG
Ingredients
| 1 | pig |
Preparation
Step 1
Obtain pig leg. For legal reasons, we cannot elaborate.
Step 2
Get one of those spit-roast things with a crank, for the atmosphere, if nothing else.
Step 3
Stick the pig leg on the rod, set a fire under the rod and rotate until the pig looks cooked and also your surroundings are engulfed by flames. (Tip: you should feel your skin crisping to a similar degree as your potbellied buddy.)
Step 4
On the plus side: delicious roast pork. Also on the plus side: fire!
MA EDITORIAL'S SPECIAL OATMEAL
Ingredients
| 1 | oatmeal packet |
| 1 | matches |
Preparation
Step 1
Pour the oatmeal into a bowl.
Step 2
Set the oatmeal on fire.
Step 3
Fire.
DEVILED EGGS
Ingredients
| 1 | eggs |
| 1 | devil |
Preparation
Step 1
Boil eggs.
Step 2
Draw pentagram in your own blood on the nearest clean surface, but unclean works too. Satan’s not picky.
Step 3
Chant unholy paean to Beelzebub as the room is bathed in an ominous red light.
Step 4
Ask politely for Beelzebub to curse your egg.
Step 5
Feed egg to somebody you don’t like.
Step 6
Fire?
STOVE SOUFFLÉ
Ingredients
| 1 | stove |
| 1 | rage |
Preparation
Step 1
Rip stove from wall.
Step 2
Soften by repeatedly bashing with a metal pan. (Tip: another common household metal object, such as a sledgehammer or mace, works in a pinch.)
Step 3
Melt the stove with a blowtorch.
Step 4
Buy an overpriced soufflé from the Bestcrook Spen-On and pour in your melted stove until your unending fury is satiated.
Step 5
Fire, probably.
FIVE-ALARM FIRE
Ingredients
Preparation
Step 1
Literally just set your house on fire. We’re cutting out the middleman here. It’s soothing, watching the red and orange stretch up into the sky. Hypnotized by the dancing sparks, let yourself slip into the warm embrace of the blaze. Watch how the air shimmers and darkens as breathtaking conflagration fills your vision. Watch everything you’ve ever known sear, singe and smoke, engulfed by your cleansing flame. There’s no need for food where you’re going.
Step 2
Fire.