All home cooks (or at least the amateur, negligent ones) are familiar with the sinking feeling that comes from seeing mould on your asparagus and realizing that dinner is ruined. Not so fast — some of the world’s top culinary minds are reclaiming mould as a gourmet ingredient, and you can do the same.

But at Mid Appétit, we csook up more than just recipes — we cook up experiences, mindsets, memories, etc. Here are some ideas for how to use mould to tastefully spice up your life, in and out of the kitchen.

Person Repellent

It’s 7 a.m. and time for the dreaded two-hour commute on the second-busiest bus line in North America. A 17-year-old, bright-eyed first-year is shoved up next to you, talking loudly on the phone about how easy university is.

Enter: mould. Wear it on your jacket, wear it on your face. Extra points if it’s green, white and blue. Your mould friend will ensure a seven-foot radius of personal space — an even greater social distance than granted by COVID-19! Talk about a symbiotic relationship!

Insulation

Is your heater broken again? Electricity is for wimps. Real men deal with the elements.

Mould is a furry, free-of-charge insulator, great for sealing window panes or as an extra wall layer. Just spray your desired area regularly with some toilet water and wait for growth!

Hug it Tenderly

You’re too old for a teddy bear. You’re too ugly for a girlfriend. Mould is an easy fix for both those issues! All you need is a three-month-old loaf of bread and voila! Cuddle buddy achieved. All the warm and fuzzy love and affection you never got from your mom as a child.

Extra Credit Independent Study Project

Labs are overrated. Anything worth studying is already growing in your living room! Flip over those musty, crusty couch cushions and delight in your biohazardous, grade-boosting baby. All you need are a few blurry iPhone pics and an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters for your lab report.

If this is too much work, then consider…

Academic Concession

Did you know that mould is the main ingredient in an academic concession? The only steps in this DIY recipe are to buy any type of food from the supermarket, forget about it, then find it four months later and eat it.

With a success rate of 99 per cent*, this recipe is sure to leave you physically (and, hopefully, mentally) incapable of writing that dreaded microbiology midterm. Concess your test until next time and you may just get into med school.