Aries
Stop yelling at me, I get it, you’re an Aries. Now get off your bike, this is a pedestrian-priority road.
Taurus
Get off the couch and do your geography homework. That GIS work isn’t going to map itself. And stop lighting a candle every time you need to feel something.
Gemini
Some of the worst people are Geminis. Don’t hold up this stereotype. But congrats on getting into honours poli sci.
Cancer
You are not your friend group’s parent. You are their equal. Knock it off. Now go finish your poetry assignment.
Leo
How can one person be so full of grandeur yet so insecure? Oh, right, you’re in the master’s of management program.
Virgo
Stop telling us what to do!!!! We get it, you’re on the dean’s list!
Libra
Literally make a decision for once in your life. You can’t major in four different things.
Scorpio
Stop it with the brooding, you’re literally just born in autumn. And if you’re going to brood, do it in the Derrick Rose Garden, where nobody will see or care.
Sagittarius
I hate to break it to you but you won’t be able to travel to every country on your list. You might only be able to get to Wesbrook Village.
Capricorn
Stop telling me to get a real job! Also, how are you enjoying your commerce degree?
Aquarius
PLEASE shut up about being a rebel. You’re literally just wearing Doc Martens and shouting in the middle of Main Mall.
Pisces
I’m so scared of you. Your ability to understand abstract philosophical concepts is too powerful. ☺
This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.