The Dingbat: Say your first ‘I loathe you’ with the Ares Project

You may have heard about Aphrodite Project, a student-run matchmaking algorithm, in which you take a 20-minute questionnaire that will find you your perfect match at UBC right in time for Valentine’s Day. For those of us looking for romance, it’s a great solution to finding your soulmate in quarantine.

However, many are not so eager to rush into relationships, especially during a pandemic. Lots of us are already dealing with too many emotions to add love to the equation. In fact, some of us may feel a little frustrated or even angry at the situation we’re in, but are so socially isolated that we have no one to take out our frustration on. That’s where the Ares Project comes in.

At the Ares Project, we use state-of-the-art computer algorithms and the most up-to-date psychology research to match you with your nemesis. Once matched, you and your nemesis can contact each other to figure out how you can make the other person’s life a living hell.

Each nemesis is carefully matched to your wants and needs based on our thorough survey, in which we ask about subjects such as politics, values and lifestyle, then match you with the exact opposite. That way, you can feel good about slashing your nemesis’s tires or egging their house. They’re different and that’s bad!

We even go into personal questions, such as “How’s your relationship with your dad?” and “What did you hate about your ex?” and “Which elementary school teacher was meanest to you and why?” so we can make sure your nemesis embodies the worst traits of every person you’ve ever met. We also ask for your social media profiles, so that you and your nemesis can cyberbully each other for years to come.

Here at the Ares Project, we are so excited to see how UBC students can torment their nemesis both on campus and from the safety of their home. If our project succeeds, we will see fistfights in the Rose Garden, swatting during Zoom class and a more loathsome UBC all around.