I recently got the chance to interview an international drug smuggler. Finding an international drug smuggler generally isn’t easy.
After almost giving up the search, I remembered something. Our music editor at NICE Magazine dabbles in DJing and cocaine trafficking. After I put aside my moral quandaries about interviewing an amateur DJ, I asked them to sit down for this interview.
What drove you to get into drug smuggling?
NICE doesn’t pay us enough to survive in Vancouver, so it was really the only option. Unless I wanted to do something ridiculous like move out of the city proper or rent a slightly less fancy apartment, I had to become an international drug smuggler.
I also thought it would make a great story for NICE Magazine. There’s nothing cooler than international drug smuggling. I could just picture writing the headline, “I smuggled cocaine, here’s how it went.”
It turns out that I was right; it was a great story. The story just wasn’t written by me.
Smuggling drugs to get a good story, does that follow journalistic ethics?
You show me the part of the Cocaine Associated Journalist (CAJ) ethics guidelines that explicitly says ‘no international drug smuggling.’ It’s the only way to get a real deep look into the drug industry.
How did you convince people to smuggle drugs for you?
I mostly just asked my subordinates and they said yes. They’re living in Vancouver so as you can imagine, they’re pretty desperate for cash. Drug smuggling for 10k? Most young journalists would do a lot worse for a lot less.
Why did you believe NICE Magazine tacitly sanctioned this?
Everyone used NICE’s zero-tolerance policy as rolling papers, which made me doubt how serious the policy was. Also, if you ask someone to work ’til 3 a.m. in an office where the bathrooms have white counters, you know what’s gonna happen. Mostly though, I misunderstood my boss when he said, “Don’t come in to work today, it’s a snow day.”
How’s prison?
My room has more square footage than where I was living in Vancouver, the booze is better and I’m more respected as a convict than I was as a hipster journalist.
Do you have anything else to say?
Would you fly to Australia for me if I pay you? You’ll have to use a suitcase with a suspiciously thick liner.
*Recorder clicks off*
This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.