Rejecting physical activity on Salt Spring

Jack Hauen
author
Published on Sept. 2, 2016
Postcards from around the globe.

I have heard that there is phenomenal hiking to be done on Salt Spring island. I have not done any hiking on Salt Spring island.

I’ve been a few times, and as far as I’m concerned, the best thing to do on Salt Spring is to have a friend whose rich parents own a nice house there, and to exploit that fact for all it’s worth.

I took this friend up on an offer to stay in this home for a weekend and decided to engage in the kind of hedonism normally reserved for retired schoolteachers and waspy divorcees. I would make Salt Spring island my lethargic wonderland.

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Noon struck on Saturday, and the urge set in to get just a little fucked up. Luckily for us, I had been to Salt Spring Wild Cider before: a place where one can purchase a flight of five different two-ounce glasses of cider for around $10. That price wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if we weren’t in the most obnoxiously gorgeous setting imaginable. But we were, and boy, were we obnoxious too.

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An hour or two of lounging in the sun, sipping on cider and making fun of the bridal party one table over left us drained. We needed more chemicals for our bodies, and we knew just the place to get them.

A short drive away was Salt Spring Coffee, the drink of choice for people who have been to Salt Spring once and never miss an opportunity to tell you how much they love Salt Spring. The coffee was incredible. I felt a sense of superiority to people in Vancouver who buy Salt Spring beans from the supermarket. This is a very petty and a very satisfying thing to feel.

Evened out, we headed back to the house to catch the sunset. Something everyone will tell you about Salt Spring is that the sunsets are phenomenal.

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Everyone is correct. My visits to Salt Spring have ignored most of what travel websites will tell you makes the island special — long-but-leisurely hikes up moderate summits, unlimited square footage for paddle boarding — but I've found pleasure in a near-total lack of adrenaline.