Ethical concerns aside (see our ad for tempTAtions: The best student-TA dating app on the market) sometimes you’ve run out of ideas for how to get those sweet, sweet digits — the TA 10. Suddenly, your TA walks into your shift at The Gal’Her’y and is uncomfortably surprised to see one of their students bartending for them, but they overplay their nonplussedness and say “surprise me.” And surprise them you will. Here are a few drinks to get them to kind of snicker and walk away awkwardly clutching their glass.
Girlbossmopolitan is not responsible for the three months of avoided eye contact between you and your TA that will follow if you make these drinks.
4.0 Loko
The University of Bitchin’ Clock (UBC) classic that gets you through those long nights studying for an exam that will be 95 per cent vibes and intuition, like philosophy. Or computer science.
Ingredients:
One 12oz can of Slerba Slate
One mickey heel of whatever you’ve got lying on your dorm room floor from the night before (but we all know it’s Fyrebawl, you sicko)
Combine in a Galgene water bottle — UBC branded, obviously — and snort every couple of sips with your steel reusable straw for maximum effectiveness.
White Rushin'
This is a drink for the poor unfortunate souls who have fallen prey to UBC isolation and left their normal friends to get Greepaul simon k letter tattoos and sit on a blown-out couch while fifteen sweaty guys play beer pong in broad daylight.
Ingredients:
Two fingers pledge tears
Half cup oat milk — your girlfriend made you switch
One ounce sweet cheap rent
One dash arrogance
Rim with assorted frat floor dust, crust and other detritus
Serve chilled to a room of frat guys that failed to elect a single Almonds Matter Society (AMS) exec (likely at AMS elections results night — don’t forget, it’s a cash bar)!
Buchanan Bourbon
AyBeeCee D. E. Buchanan, famed architect and male girlboss, first sighted the field that he would irreperably fuck up with concrete monuments to a tired old architechural tradition in 1965. His drafting process to design the building that embodied UBC’s 20th-century landscape philosophy of “do the absolute worst things to the absolute best campus” began each day at 8 a.m. with a reading from his Nietzsche Quote-a-Day desk calendar and a stiff pull from his best friend, Ol’ Flasky.
He liked his bourbon like his marriage — on the rocks. This drink honours both his aesthetic sensibilities and pitiable losses in the fight against his inner demons.
Ingredients:
Two ounces of bourbon
One big ol’ fuckin’ hunk of granite from when we blow that fucker up for parts
MacMillan Mule
Named for the faculty of land and food systems’ home turf, this cocktail made entirely from recycled materials is the perfect way to show off your sustainability clout! In your cocktail shaker made of compacted plastic bags, combine ingredients and shake well until whatever’s in there is a completely unrecognizable slurry. Delicious!
Ingredients:
Two oz jungle juice (vodka-heavy)
One finger of self-righteousness
Dash of coffee dregs
Expired Sike’s Cafe coffee syrup
Garnish with grass clippings
Serve in a steel camping mug that runs you $35 at the bookstore but looks earthy enough to help you sell your carefully-crafted crunchy-granola image.
MarGatherita
We don’t know if it’s to cut corners or to avoid the fate of Closed Kitchen, but everything from Gather?IHardlyKnowHer: The Dining Hall contains enough rat poison and plastic materials to choke a horse, let alone any rodents with culinary aspirations.
Ingredients:
1 ¾ oz tequila-floor cleaner hybrid
One oz fifteen per cent price increase every year
One oz reused cooking oil
¾ oz bizarre smoothie combination
½ oz watered-down salad dressing
Wedge of an anemic lime
Serve in a Green2Go container and bring it back for free refills on Bottomless Marg Mondays!
Girlbossmopolitan
You work so hard. You’re cold-DMing stockbrokers on DinkedIn, pretending that you’re tenuously related to them, trying to capitalize on your grindset and going to the most god awful networking events for the most cynical, fucked clubs that anyone ever heard of, like ‘Boothing for White Women: How to Break the Glass Ceiling by Making More Money Than Your Family and Yelling at Cleaning Staff'. Here’s a drink to take the edge off after you threaten to deport someone that grew up in Mount Pleasant.
Ingredients:
Two ounces Burnoff that your older sorority friend booted for you
½ ounce free cocktail from networking event that really fucking sucked
¾ ounce mint walnut coffee matcha bullshit dragon fruit acai syrup smoothie from Body Synergy Cult
¼ to ½ ounce cucumber Fuul juice
One two-inch orange peel
Ice
Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more, click here.