With UBC President and Vice-Chancellor Santa Ono leaving for the University of Michigan in October, the search is on for his successor.
The Ubyssey broke down some potential candidates for the position.
Santa Claus
Ono spent much of his time as president asking for gifts, whether that’s from donors or recent grads, so perhaps it’s time to replace him with someone who gives gifts. Claus’s experience exploiting elves in the North Pole will help him put down any labour unrest in a time when UBC employees are unionizing. UBC could also cut the costs of replacing Ono’s office nameplate in half by hiring a president with the same first name.
Me
I don’t even want the salary, I just want the Norman MacKenzie House. Please, I’d really love an affordable place on campus. Please?
All of us
The presidential office could be given to a random member of the UBC community every day — it’s democratic, fun and keeps everyone on their toes.
While a rotating group of students, faculty and staff would lack a strategic vision to make UBC a stronger academic institution, that hasn’t mattered in previous presidential hirings.
Remy the Rat
Remy the Rat from Open Kitchen lost the most recent election for AMS president (although he did beat out all but one human candidate). Perhaps his loss is a sign that he’s destined for even higher office, like that of UBC president.
Regardless of whether or not Remy gets the job, the incoming president should probably lead UBC to a place where our most popular public figure isn’t a rat.
SARS-CoV-19
The virus has already been running UBC for the past two and a half years. Let’s formalize the relationship and make the pathogen that causes COVID-19 our official ruler.
As a bonus, we’d probably get some crazy conspiracy theories out of this.
Me (again)
I will release one satire article every week until my demands are met.
Craig Pelton
Inarguably the greatest fictional head of a higher education institution, Pelton would surely liven up the campus with his morning announcements and signature getups that are, dare I say it, more interesting than a bowtie. E Pluribus Anus!
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.