After noticing that the most interesting people on campus wear Bluntstones, the Australian work boots that come in the mail when you declare a major in human geography, I decided it was time I found out what all the hype was about and get a pair myself. The price tag of $239.95 felt like a promise that something good was in store for me — and boy was it ever.
As soon as I showed up to class wearing them, my professor immediately pulled me aside for a chat. They wanted to tell me they noticed how great my work has been and that they’re giving me an A+ for the rest of the semester no matter what I do. This subsequently happened in every other class I’m taking despite having not handed in a single assignment since January.
Next were the friends. I was a friendless loser who talked to my plants, but suddenly people wanted to talk to me. People asked me for help in class, people scheduled study sessions with me, people started super-liking me on dating apps. It was all so much and they were all wearing Bluntstones. I began to realize it was all because of the shoes.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m the most interesting person I’ve ever met. I’m accomplished, I have a great life ahead of me and I owe it all to these $239.95 Australian work boots. I’ve never lifted a finger a day in my life and I feel so, so good. Maybe I should buy some more and see where the world takes me then.