Why biking on campus is horrible for everyone except cyclists

We get it. You can do fancy wheelies, bunny hops and kinder surprises with ease. File Saman Shariati

Biking on campus has got to be addressed. More specifically, biking and skateboarding should be banned — Scooters can stay because bless their pure little hearts. Our campus has slowly turned into the X Games and the walking community has had enough.

Here is a list of why we need to implement a biking ban immediately.

I’m Walking Here

Have you ever been power walking to a lecture across campus, listening to your favourite soft rock tunes when you suddenly look up and see a Matt Hoffman wannabe biking like a maniac towards you. You scream and leap off the pavement, accidentally dropping your phone and spilling hot coffee on your khaki pants in the process. Meanwhile, Faux-Hoffman rides off without a care in the world, thinking they own the whole campus because there are no bike lanes to restrict them.

Lost Friendships & Awkward Conversations

You think you made a potential friend in class and feel like you're really hitting it off with them. You both depart the lecture hall and are having a great conversation on how mullets are underrated. Things begin to fall apart when they get on their undersized bike and continue having the same conversation with you down Main Mall. They are pedaling 90 mph and begin to laugh at you as they notice that you’re struggling to keep up with them, are out of breath and are sweating like a person who uses only their human legs to get places.

Stop Showing Off

I’m outside Sauder trying to peacefully eat my lunch and read the new edition of Us Weekly magazine but these biker hooligans start distracting me with their obnoxious little tricks. We get it. You can do fancy wheelies, bunny hops and kinder surprises with ease. This does not make you better than us walkers. I can skip for days but you don’t see me doing this everywhere.

Let me emphasize that this is not born out of jealousy because I never learned how to ride a bike, but because I am a proud walker who has had enough.