Things to worry about instead of finals

Astrologically speaking, the end of the school year is almost here. You just have to hand in those last papers, complete that end-of-term midterm and pretend to be conscious in your last class so you can get that sweet, sweet participation mark.

A well-deserved break is just around the corner if you can push through, but alas — there is another hurdle to jump, a big one.


There’s a lot riding on those horrid little exams — whether you have a future depends on how well you can do on one test at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. It’s a stressful time. That’s why I’ve come up with a way to help students like you remedy this specific stress.

Here’s a list of things you can do to take your mind off finals — by putting it on something worse instead.

1. Remember you have no money

Put it this way: regardless of whether you totally flunk or get the highest grade in the class, you’re still going to go back to your room and eat microwavable mac ‘n cheese or something instant, just like you’ve been doing for the past semester. University costs way too much for any other outcome — unless you’re eating Barilla with jarred sauce, in which case why even go to school, nepo baby?

No miraculous final exam grade is going to pull you out of financial woe, so spend your time worrying about what percentage of your body is neon orange "pasta."

2. Give a random stranger an insult on the street

They’ll stop walking for a second, confused and disheartened. Maybe they were having a horrible day and your comment made them feel even worse. Or maybe they were having a phenomenal day and you just soggied their metaphorical pizza. You’re going to feel so bad about it for so long, you’re not even going to think about the fact that 4 of your exams are within 48 hours of each other. I’m a genius.

3. I bet you did something in middle school

What did you post on Tumblr? What’s in your Wattpad library? Did you openly ship founding fathers with each other after listening to Hamilton? Pick-me era? There’s gotta be something from that period to keep you up at night instead of MATH 420 or whatever you’re taking.

4. Think about your future

Imagine a future where you have a good job, a nice place to live and a circle of people that care about you. Now, take that timeline and punch it in the face. Imagine you’re a telemarketer, the fifth-worst job according to Indeed. Or imagine you spent thousands of dollars on a degree just to stand behind a 7-Eleven cash register and get made fun of by a ten-year-old who says your “glizzy isn’t skibidi,” whatever that means. Just remember that these futures are always possible, whether you pass or fail.

5. Look at the news

Those fuckers are always up to something.

Finals are difficult to deal with, but so is pretty much everything else. It’s all about finding that balance between worry, and a different kind of worry.

So take those exams in stride, and remember that life is constantly trying to kill you. But through all of it, you still persevere. Now go stress yourself out about things that don’t matter because I said so.