Picture this: it’s 2 a.m. on a Tuesday night during finals season. It’s been raining for three days straight. Low-fi Beats to Chill/Study to is playing from your shared Family Spotify account. The basement of IKB smells like feet and Grand Noodle Emporium leftovers. Your hair elastic is the only emotional support for the tangled ball that is your bun. Time is an illusion. Your hands are visibly shaking from the amount of coffee you’ve consumed today. Life is, arguably, not good.
Once you are home and (hopefully) showered, you need to eat. Now’s the time that a pint of ice cream or a family-sized bag of Tostitos would go down faster than the SSC when grades come out. While this option is valid, please consider: don’t. If you have a microwave and a handful of common kitchen items, you can have some Gourmet Shit™ for almost no effort.
A loaded baked potato
You heard me. Stab it with a fork, nuke it for five to seven minutes — until the skin looks all soft and wrinkly — and then put some butter, cheese and spices on that bad boy. Instant comfort food that have some vitamins and fibre in it. If you’d stress eat some fries, how is this any different?
Mug muffin/cake
Go for three tbsp. of flour, cocoa, sweetener and oil. In less than two minutes, you have your very own toasty little cake. I’m sure you could make it with steel cut oats and stuff, but that’s for squares. Now isn’t the time.
Rice and beans
The trick here is to use minute-rice and canned tomatoes — although honestly salsa, pasta sauce or some other tomato base works). Add rice, black beans, tomatoes and a vegetable that doesn’t make you want to die at the thought of slicing. Nuke it. Practically a burrito bowl. Gordon Ramsey is quaking in anger.
DIY caramel corn.
ON THE CONDITION YOU DO NOT BURN IT: Make a bag of microwave popcorn. Add one tbsp. honey and some cinnamon. Shake it like it’s Nemo and you’re Darla — and enjoy some fancy ass snack food.
Things not to do: Tuna melt
That’s complete bullshit. Do NOT heat canned tuna in any shared appliance at this time of night. This is your only warning.
Alternatively, completely ignore my advice and eat salsa out of the jar with your hands. University is a just a long running, expensive version of the Purge anyways. Go wild, you mad animal.