My plan to infiltrate The Ubyssey through a recurring humour column

Illustration Aiken Lao / The Ubyssey

Ah, the start of second term. The sparrows are chirping, the syllabi printing… Nothing can hold you back. Yes, you! This is your time for a fresh start! So grab life by the yoohas, get Adele unstuck from your head and let’s get stoked.

Is that an appropriate way to start a new column? Probably not. But it is an appropriate way to start the new year! And besides, this isn’t just any normal “nice guy” column, or indeed even a “following-standard-journalistic-decency” column. This is a maverick-ass renegade going rogue to tell UBC what UBC needs to know. And what UBC needs to know is that I have no idea what’s going on.

The idea for this arose out of my desire to provide you, the student body of UBC, with wisdom and stuff. Mostly though, I wanted the money, fame, power and unlimited tap water that comes with being a Ubyssey staff member. Upon approaching our blog editor, Jack, with my proposal to start a humour column, our conversation went something like this:

ME: Jack!

JACK: Hey.

ME: I should probably write something for you guys.

JACK: Aight.

After this obviously heated debate, we of course needed a name for our lil’ maverick column. Here are some of the ideas that were thrown out there:

  • Gabey’s Guide to UBC, Which She’s Obviously Qualified to Write
  • This Establishment is Certified Y2K Ready: How to Prepare for Impending Doom
  • The Top 13 Triceps in Rugby. Number 6 Will Shock You to Tears!
  • Gabey’s Advice for Dumb Losers with Low Self-Esteem
  • Gabey’s Advice for Sanctimonious Know-It-Alls Who Probably Write for [Title of Publication Redacted]
  • The Oxford Comma is a Legitimate Tool, Dad!
  • I Swear, this isn’t just a Vanity Project to get my Name Out There (By Gabey Lucas)
  • It’s Like A TED Talk, But On Paper
  • The Body Issue
  • Gabey’s Countdown to Christmas
  • The New York Times

None of these passed the “relevant to UBC” litmus test, or so I’ve been told. Instead, we decided not to give it a recurring title. A conservative choice, but one I gladly believe will ultimately satisfy no one, which is of course the purpose of a newspaper.

In order to uphold this mission, I have here a list of recommended activities — hand-selected by my team of experts — to kickstart your new year at UBC:

  • Have a quarter life crisis, a la Why Georgia, on account of it’s 2016 and about damn time.
  • Every time you hear a film/creative writing/any MFA student pretend to have not liked Star Wars, take a drink.
  • Miss your dog at least 300 per cent more than you miss your family and don’t feel guilty about it.
  • Please move to the rear of the bus.
  • Yell at someone to move to the back of the bus.
  • Oh God, you shouldn’t have done that.
  • Why do you ever open your mouth.
  • Stupid, stupid, stupid.
  • Wonder out loud where your prof’s accent is from while they’re behind you.
  • Start at Main Mall by the Forestry building. Walk north to the rose garden, taking a shot every time you hear someone use the word “literally." If you are still alive by the time you reach your destination, I’ll kill you myself — free of charge!

I personally guarantee that you will find absolutely none of these fulfilling, or your money back. You didn’t pay anything for this, so maybe that’s not a convincing guarantee — but I’ll give you back the money I’m going to steal. I suppose maybe I can drop you off some of the white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies I was going to use to bribe my way in here if this column didn’t work out. As long as Jack hasn’t eaten them yet. 

(Editor’s note: I have).