Hello connections,
I have an important message for all 23 of you.
I'm incredibly thrilled to announce the University of British Columbia (Vancouver) has bestowed me the new title of Dean's Scholar for achieving an average higher than 90 per cent in my coursework. The Dean's Scholar is attributed to students of exceptional skill, passion and talent as another reminder of how much better I am than all of you. While the Dean's List is an acceptable achievement, I am humbled to announce that I have superseded it and received the title of Dean's Scholar for my 99.9 per cent average.
Over my time at UBC, I have achieved the status of supreme student and will be using my huge brain to pursue my dream grad program, a JD-MD-PhD-MSc-GCAQUA-MASA-MEng-MBA at literally any university in the US that will take me, next year.
I am confident being a Dean’s Scholar properly equips me for the challenge posed by the JD-MD-PhD at [TBD] University. My success despite my rigorous schedule at UBC is a testament to my ability to challenge myself (I googled “UBC bird classes” to pick my classes) in a competitive environment.
I'm “extremely grateful” to have this notation on my transcript. I can now brag to my peers about being better than them (in a respectful manner), let future employers know (they don't care) and inflate my parents' egos (every family member will know about my colossal brain).
A massive shoutout to Sparknotes, ChatGPT and Chegg for supporting my education and success. My lawyers (parents) have told me to clarify that this support is purely theoretical and does not constitute academic misconduct. Thank you, me, for fucking killing it every day. And lastly thank you, UBC, for being okay I guess. I owe you all my gratitude.
I promise to work hard and strive to achieve a 100 per cent average in the upcoming year and make Deborah Buszard (and, of course, Santa Ono, my original king) proud.
Yours truly,
a UBC Dean's Scholar
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